We Wrote Your Name in Color

Interview with Author Jessye Wilden

With Video by Autie Carlisle & Photos by Terri Carlisle

Cate Clother: Was there a specific moment when you realized you should write We Wrote Your Name in Color?

Jessye Wilden: I actually found a lot of respite during Covid’s shelter-in-place, and my creativity came back. I started spackling and painting everything, and after I had done all the projects I could possibly do around the house, there was one nagging idea that I couldn’t let go of, which was that only I knew this one important story, and that if I were to die, my kids wouldn’t know it. I decided I had to write down that story. So during shelter-in-place I sat down with my laptop and wrote a story for my children in case anything ever happened to me. And that first story, “Graffiti Bridge,” became the prologue of my book. 

Cate: Your book is a series of snapshots throughout your family’s healing journey. Some of it was probably difficult to write, and I’m imagining you were on this edge of wondering how much to share, and how much to hold back. Which stories were really a stretch for you? 

Jessye: I felt very free to share anything that was just about me. Even though there were difficult stories about my past, those weren’t the hardest to share. The story that I struggled with the most is woven into the chapter “Memorial,” and it’s the story of Rena, my sister-in-law, and I arguing, having a really bad day together. Rena’s memorial took place at the same theater where she would dance and hold her company’s dance performances. In the story, as I’m present at the memorial I have a flashback to Rena yelling at me, and I’m wishing with my whole body she could yell at me once again. 

What made it so difficult to write was that we want to remember people well—we don’t want to dwell on the negative memories. When we’ve lost someone, we can easily forget about how complex and beautiful and layered a person is, a friendship is. I knew that my story wouldn’t be true if it was only the good moments between me and Rena, of which there were many.

On the flip side, the easiest stories to tell were about my kids’ strengths and complexities and beauties. In the chapter “Ten Years Later,” I talk about each of my kids and who they are. I could’ve written ten books by now if writing was that easy, because it was so fun to highlight all the goodness in them!

Cate: I was impressed that you included the argument at the dance performance—It helped fill out Rena’s character, giving a fuller picture of who she was, and that she wasn’t perfect, like none of us are! 

Jessye: It adds that human element. My husband, Ryan, and I also have an argument at one point in the book. We can all relate to feeling stressed or hurt, or just turning around and having a bad moment. One of the themes in this book is that we aren’t our worst moments, so how could I say that about others and not myself?

Cate: Your voice in this memoir is just like your voice in real life—relentlessly hopeful. You’ve also captured the voices of others so well, especially your two main characters, your brother- and sister-in-law, Danny and Rena. You’ve absorbed their language and mannerisms, and you paint a clear picture of who they were for the reader. Would you chalk up this skill to being an avid listener and a keen observer? Was it difficult for you to recall them after being apart for so long?

Jessye: If I know someone really well, and I’ve spent a lot of time around them, I can close my eyes and do a sensory sweep of them. I can put myself into a particular moment and I can describe it. So if I can visually see them or smell the room I can go from there. That was a beautiful part of knowing Danny and Rena and being around them so much, and no, they haven’t faded over time. 

One of the beautiful things about memoir is it’s your observation, your view. I was delighted to learn that when others heard these stories, they found my descriptions to be accurate.

Cate: Your descriptions of Danny really come through in the story at summer camp where he’s singing the same verse 100 times.

Jessye: Yes, exactly! [Laughs] He had this dry sense of humor and was always playful with life, and I loved that. Even the story of how he duct taped his daughter, Kieran, at camp, that would probably be shocking for some families! But if you were there, witnessing it, seeing the joy and the twinkle through my view, you would see his heart for people.

Cate: I’ve noticed that when speaking about We Wrote Your Name in Color you don’t refer to it as “my book,” but “our book.” Do you feel the book was co-created with your family? 

Jessye: That’s such an important question. I would write all the stories and choose the titles, and then I would come downstairs and read them to my family—whoever was there after my day of writing. I was not going to move forward with this book without running these stories by them. My most amazing editor was our daughter Kieran. She would come to me with helpful notes—discrepancies she had found, or something she had learned in English to make a section stronger, and I remember being taken aback like, wow, you’re actually very incredible at this! [Laughs] The story was a lot for her to hear, all together, but then she was able to go in as an editor, a storyteller, and share from her own perspective. It made it richer, and it made our family closer. I always say it’s “our story,” because I carry these gifts with me. We experienced it together, and gave this book to the world together. We created this life. Through this book we are sharing our life and how we see the world. It proves their generosity over and over. 

Cate: You live in a very rural, tight-knit community, who know your family and the trauma you’ve experienced very well. Has your community been supportive of the book? 

Jessye: So many people in our community have ties to this story, and not knowing how it would be told, or how they themselves would react to it, was challenging. It’s not that people weren’t supportive, they just weren’t sure. And on the other end of that spectrum, some people post more on social media about the book than I do! I have 100 publicists! [Laughs] The common thread in their excitement is that they know our family. What was your fear when reading this? You knew Danny and Rena, and I’m sure there was trepidation about how this story was going to be told.

Cate: I didn’t have any fears, I just had no idea. As an outsider looking in, I imagined the most unimaginable pain, and chaos, and darkness. And when I saw your cover, I was just like, “What!? This is the cover of this story?” And then the first chapter sets the tone for the whole book, creates the lens that we’re seeing this story through. It’s a really unique perspective on trauma healing, and I was just blown away.

Jessye: The reason I started writing the book, and ultimately decided to share it with the general public, was that I saw that when grief or tragedy hits so hard, and so suddenly, it remakes you. When I looked around our community I saw a lot of people, whether in their own grief or this particular grief, kind of stuck. They just didn’t know how to move forward or heal. And I looked under our own roof and saw dancing and laughing! Of course there were sad, heavy days, but this thriving was happening! I remember thinking, I don’t know the playbook for healing, I don’t know a roadmap, but I do know how we see it, and I can see the steps that we took to get here. I thought, if people could peek into that, if I could share this view of how we survived this, and how we moved into a good place, would that help? Pain is universal, right? We all go through it, so maybe looking into someone else’s life and how they experienced it and how they healed could help?

Cate: I’m sure you had to make many hard choices throughout your writing with what to include, and what to leave out. When you started writing the book did you already know what the story arc would be, and what snapshots you would include? Was it plotted out from the beginning, or did it grow more organically?

Jessye: So I had written a few stories for my children to read in the future, but as I started dreaming of this becoming a book I was reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom to my kids. I was struck by its simplicity, and yet woven within it are these deep truths that wrap around your life. It’s about the Holocaust, something I of course didn’t experience, and yet those truths were helpful to me. Drawing inspiration from that book, I made an outline exactly like it for mine. It was chronological, starting when I was young, then building up to the homicide/suicide event the book is really about, and then ending with what I’d learned along the way. So I actually wrote the entire book in chronological order with that outline. 

After I’d written the first draft, I took a class on story structure and realized I have always loved a Shakespearean story structure. I had written such a long onramp to get to where the story I actually wanted to tell begins—when Danny and Rena died. So I took the manuscript and cut it all up, put it back together, and it became what it is today. Tearing it apart was probably my bravest act, and had the most tears. But now it’s so much stronger.

Cate: How long did it take you to write We Wrote Your Name in Color?

Jessye: I wrote the first draft in four months which was a neck-breaking pace. It just about killed me. Then I needed to take a month off, so I’m not sure if that was the best route as a writer. But it gave me a strong, steady voice throughout and it really helped me know what was most important. Two editors helped me with the process of tearing it apart and revising. The whole thing with formatting and design took around a year and a half. Which was working as hard as I could, as a mom of five, like, all the time.

Cate: Along with mothering five children, you’re also a very social person. With only a year and a half of writing a book I imagine you had to lock yourself up in your room from time to time. Was it hard for you to balance your social needs with the solitude needed to write?

Jessye: First off, since Danny and Rena died I find myself not as social as I used to be. I’m not sure if grief remade me, or if every person who is raising five chattering people feels this way. That’s one piece. I am a much quieter person now inside, and I refresh myself with solitude. I’m actually curious to see if that changes again later in my life. 

A lot of people from our inner circle stepped in at different moments to help me. That’s how the solitude and social aspects worked together. However, it is funny that when I finished the book I looked around and I was like, “Boy, where are all my friends?” [Laughs] Now I’m really excited to have launch parties and book signings, and to celebrate with them. 

Cate: You’re also a public speaker! What are your hopes for sharing your story in this other way?

Jessye: I actually believe that I’m a better public speaker than a writer, so to have written a book is miraculous! I love people, and interacting with people, and there’s nothing like being able to read an audience and speaking directly to them. When you’re writing a book you’re kind of talking to yourself and hoping it will resonate, and you don’t get that quick interaction that I love. My dream with public speaking is to use my unique perspective and my love of storytelling to help others know that there’s light on the other side, that there’s still goodness even when life hurts the most. I think this can be adapted to many audiences, in different ways with different stories, but that’s what I want my anthem to be, and if I could do that from the stage, I’d love that.

Cate: Memoirist Mary Karr said, “The emotional stakes a memoirist bets with could not be higher, and it’s physically enervating. I nap on a daily basis like a cross-country trucker.” I imagine that writing this memoir was exhausting for you, having to revisit these traumas in such detail. How did you care for yourself while writing? Do you have any tips for others who are writing about difficult personal experiences?

Jessye: I love this quote. I know Mary Karr but I had never heard this—it made me laugh out loud and feel very validated! [Laughs] I can completely relate to the nap thing—not only was I getting up at 4:00 am and losing my words, I also have Irlen’s Syndrome, which means my eyes have difficulty filtering light and slowly I won’t be able to track words on a computer screen anymore. So even if I could mentally keep going, my eyes would need to be done for the day. Writing was emotionally and physically taxing many days. 

If I could give advice to someone doing this work, it would be to pay attention to your body as you dive into these stories. I found that I really had healed and processed a lot of my story. You might find out that you haven’t processed as much as you thought. So give yourself permission to take a break from writing, even if it’s a longer break, and do more of that inner work. Your writing will be stronger by taking care of yourself first. The worst thing would be to power through something that continually triggers you. I worked on healing (and do continually to this day) with really good therapy. And also routinely getting out into nature—especially for my body, and my eyes look out far away. We live in a rural community which is so beautiful and healing. I would also read when I could, books that would fill my mind with good deep thoughts. 

Sometimes we feel like we need to just go take a vacation. What I’ve found is more sustainable, especially as a writer of hard stories, is finding small moments when you can care for yourself. For me that’s bubble baths, a cup of coffee away from my phone outside on the porch, and sleep—sleep is very underrated, and when you are doing really hard work like this, or something unfamiliar or brave, you’re going to need more sleep. Also asking for help and accepting it, which I touched on before. My kids and friends would help me—and I needed to accept that I was doing hard work and they were part of that hard work with me, as opposed to just feeling bad all the time that everyone was doing something for me. Really, all together we did an amazing thing, and they are just as much a part of that as I am. 

Don’t neglect the spiritual part of yourself. Spending time with God was really important for me—I would pray and refocus and sometimes my writing time would consist of just prayer. And spend your time with life giving people. I’ve found that who we surround ourselves with changes our capacity. Limit your exposure to people who are fearful or complaining, and up your exposure to the people who fuel you to do hard things. Figure out who those people are, and then really listen to them. If they say it’s time to take a break, which my husband did, or it’s time for some fun, choose beforehand to listen to them. But you can’t listen to everybody, so choose very carefully who’s on that list. They will help guide you in how to care for yourself, because they know you and they can see, sometimes more clearly than you can, how your writing’s affecting you, how the disappointments are affecting you. Whether I have success, blame, or whatever comes next for me, those are still the people who will anchor me.

Cate: I have heard that the unconscious often finds its way into a writer's work. I’m wondering if you were surprised by anything that came out in your writing, or if you ever felt that you were being guided by a supernatural hand?

Jessye: I was surprised by all the circles in my life, all the things that weren’t wasted in my story. There’s so many moments that are chock full of pain, hurt, or disappointment, and we can’t see why. Through writing this book, I was able to see clearly how nothing has been wasted in my life. What encouragement that is! Getting to tell my children and my friends that we cannot see things clearly in the moment, but they will connect when we most need them to. I feel that God helped me write this story. He constantly gave me what I needed. I started with nothing, just sitting at my laptop with the world shut down. I don’t have connections and I don’t have any degrees in writing, I just felt this was a really important story that the world needed. Many times there was something I had learned inside myself, inside my spirit, my heart, and I would wonder, “How can I ever explain that to someone else, how can I ever put that down on paper?” I needed God’s help to extract that and then to put it in a way that other people could understand, because I had never even put it into words. So yeah, I credit it all to a supernatural hand helping me. And now helping me to get it out into the world! Because that’s how it goes—you write a book and then you turn around and then it’s like, “How do I get this into people’s hands?” [Laughs] I believe whoever has this book in their hands in the end will be through a divine plan. I don’t have to hold it all.

Cate: You’ve written so lovingly about the relationship between Danny and Rena, and between your families, and included many sweet and funny memories. I love that you included photos in the book. I’m wondering how you include this joy, fondness, and laughter in your life with your family after such a traumatic event, and if it’s something you really had to fight for?

Jessye: After Danny and Rena died, I learned a lot from my children about grief. In my experience children do not grieve the same way as adults. As adults there’s a lot of pressure around grief, unspoken pressure, like how much you’re grieving, how long you’re grieving, if you’re too happy, too sad, if you’re functioning at the right amount according to how much time has passed. We’re always grading ourselves and sometimes we’re graded by others. I found that the children in my home did not feel that burden. For instance, in the morning they could be flat on their face with me stroking their hair, thinking the day is gone, we’re not going to school, we’re not moving from this spot on the carpet, but then about 20 or 30 minutes later they would be belly laughing and towel snapping each other. It was just natural. Being allowed a safe space to express what you’re feeling, to work through it, and then to feel that you could be happy or sad in a moment, was a rhythm that taught me a lot about how to grieve, and they led me in that. We wove grief and trauma and deep loss with fun, and dancing in the kitchen, and singing at the top of our lungs to musicals. I fought to place boundaries around that. 

We worked really hard to fill our minds with good things, especially as evening would come and bedtime would draw near. Sadness, grief, and trauma come when it’s quiet, so we worked really hard as a family to put good stories and words and thoughts into our heads, through books and nature and therapy and music, and each other. That was a fight, because it would be really easy to just let everyone go to bed, but instead we would read stories, I would sing to them, and that helped sustain those quiet times. To the kids’ credit, they lead us. And my husband, for me, was such a safe space. I don’t think anyone in our family ever judged each other for being too sad or too happy. When you allow for that it’s a beautiful thing.

Cate: The theme of this issue is emergence, and I’m in awe of your family’s emergence. You have gone through the darkest night of the soul, and you’ve come out with so much beauty and color—you’ve emerged in this way that most of us watching probably thought would never be possible. Your story is an astounding testament to the power of love, and I want to thank you for that, and for sharing your story. It must’ve taken all the courage in your soul and more to do this, and you did it, and I’m so grateful.

Jessye: Thank you for seeing me, and loving me, I think you just really get it. It’s like trying to do a brave thing every day for two years, or more realistically, for five years. Thank you.